1. Do a bunch of pushups always ending with three summersaults and springing into the air, with arms and legs spread, yelling “JAHOVA!”. These are the godliest of calisthenics.

2. When someone tries to explain something to you, just start laughing. Be sure to stop laughing if they stop talking, and stare at them as if you are waiting for them to continue talking. Repeat. When they ask why you are laughing, explain to them that it's for your abs.

3. Every time a person says the word "ampersand" or “oh”, speak loudly "Does anyone have any damn candy bars?!".

4. Don't eat candy bars but when you see someone else eating one, smash it in their face and run away screaming and smiling “The LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS Waaaaaaaaaaays!”

5. Eat lettuce a lot. I mean pretty much all the time. Bring it to meetings. The whole head if possible. Bite into it like an apple. If anybody asks why you are always eating lettuce, tell them "who says its lettuce?" smirk and continue munching.

6. Gather and line up all your hair care products (shampoo, gel, hairspray, die, whatever) and neatly place them on your desk at work. Gather them up each day in a garbage bag and bring them home. Repeat, except for Fridays, where you walk up to coworkers throughout the day saying “Aqua Velva…I know you took it.”

7. Run pretty much everywhere you go. If possible, do so in sandals…

8. Jump up on and off of things randomly.



(For a more intense diet)



9. Wear shirts with no sleeves, and a headband as much as possible. Even under a business suit. A tie and collared shirt with no sleeves is fine.

10. Wear only a robe outside for at least an hour every weekend. Do random things like talk to your mailbox, or cut lawn with scissors. At the end of the hour, do a cartwheel and yell “God damn, my back is killing me!” Then run inside and continue normal activities.

11. While nodding, try to say “I believe Jesus would agree with you” at least twice a day in work related conversations.